


You First, The World Later

by 127ghouls



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Happy Ending, Lee Taeyong-centric, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 10:13:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17242388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/127ghouls/pseuds/127ghouls
Summary: "What's the word for me?""I want you."And the reality washes over him like enormous tidal waves, filling his lungs to drown him in the sea of emotions he never admitted but harbored ever since.





	You First, The World Later

**Author's Note:**

  * For [archievies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/archievies/gifts).



> Ems allowed me to post this! This is written for her, but generous bub said I should let y'all read this too! :D
> 
> Happy New Year, everyone! Thank you for being part of my 2018. Let's have more jaeyong content this 2019! Hopefully I also get to put out more fics - and even better ones!

Lee Taeyong is everything that he’s praised for: talent, looks, personality.

When he was scouted back then in front of his school, he knew nothing about the music industry, mistaking the so-called “Big 3” for being SBS, KBS, and MBC. Sweet little Taeyong was easily lured by a scouting staff with some toast; curse his appetite and sweet tooth. He was scolded by his mother for accepting food from strangers but Taeyong, being wise ever since knew that the person who approached him was no evil with malicious intents. And they should be grateful, because if Taeyong didn’t accept the offer and sang the national anthem at the auditions, he wouldn’t know what to do with his life. He could be the firefighter he had always wanted, or a baker of his own pastry store. He could also be a small time model for a clothing brand like he used to, but not with that unruly curly hair that made him look funny, somehow. He likes his hair now, although a little dry from constant bleaching.

He didn’t know a thing or two about dancing. The teacher almost gave up on him, seeing no improvement in his part even after a number of nights spent in the practice room, when the walls were still that iconic clouds in the sky wallpaper, and bullets of sweat ran down his face until they soaked his gray shirt and his feet ached. It was extra harder for him to move given the bent toe he has without wincing every now and then but he worked hard, forgone sleep and skipped meals to lock himself in the studio, vocal booths and in the dorm to better himself, to prove himself worthy, to let them know that they wouldn’t regret casting him and he wasn’t just a pretty face that all the trainees kind of envied. Talent can be taught; Taeyong learned the best.

They used to greet him but also avoid him, stirring out of his way when he came in and the intimidating aura emanated from his lanky body and long, black hair that fell over his eyes, punctuating the sharpness of his gaze, the hallow of his cheeks and the firmness of his lips as they pressed tight together especially when he was focused, determined and without anything to say in general. They looked up to him for his strong presence and the natural knack to attract even the most respected seniors in their company. U-know Yunho had praised him, even compared him to the now dubbed “Kpop’s Sharpest Dancer” Exo’s Kai. Even Boa seemed fond of him. Everyone admired Taeyong, but some of them hated him for being ‘lucky’. Taeyong is everything but lucky. His looks could only take him so far, but his will powered him to get to where he is now.

He had always known. When the scandal broke out, they practically gossiped and judged without knowing the truth. He couldn’t do anything about it – he was still a nobody, that a fabricated rumor like that could pummel him down to dust. The company didn’t let him talk even if he ached to clear his name, even if his family tried to change their neighbors’ mindset. In the end the agency talked in his behalf, said he was sorry for the things he did, didn’t specify which things those were, and left the issue to die on its own – which never really happened because years later, even after being cleared from the hoax, people still talked and attempted to bring him down. The good thing is Taeyong is now stronger than he ever felt, thanks to the friends he made throughout the journey of being a trainee, the friends who believed in him more than those people behind their screens.

The world is harsh and will be harsher to him. Slowly he’s being recognized and acknowledged. Frequently it’s due to his visuals and personality, rarely for his talent. Taeyong thinks it’s okay, it’s fine. They have 17 more people in the group that deserve those praises, he says. He loves them all, and he will do his best to take care of their group and bring them to ultimate stardom.

Being a leader is hard, demanding, especially when his team is continuously expanding. To be a leader he has to know each and everyone’s personality, quirks and shadows because the least thing he’d want for them is a discord. He had seen his seniors leave their group, their fans break down. It’s a taxing job; but he sees nothing in the next ten years but them as Neo Culture Technology – still together, side by side and playing Mafia, and doing what they love the most: making music.

Lee Taeyong is everything that he’s praised for. Although there’s one thing he prides himself with that only those within their fandom know – he’s a keen observer and very appreciative of the present.

It’s a natural skill that he had even when he was still vulnerable to the world. It’s how he knew the scouting staff wasn’t going to kidnap him with a piece of toast and sell him to the syndicate, like what his mother thought back then. He knew that Ten was lost in a foreign culture when he entered SM so he gave him water in hopes of quenching his thirst and letting him know that Taeyong welcomed him, even before he knew they would end up debuting in the same team. He knew that the stray cat that always sneaked inside their dorm was lonely and hungry so he never missed to leave an open can of tuna for the poor thing. He knew that Jisung missed his family so he danced with him and helped him forget the homesickness. He knew that Winwin wasn’t fluent in Korean so he made friends with him together with Yuta.

Taeyong trusts his own intuition, that’s why he’s always watching, observing. He _loves_ appreciating what he has in life at the moment.

He’s everything that he’s praised for, but that small ability to find the goodness in the tiniest things around him is what he likes most about himself.

So when he finds himself staring at Jung Jaehyun one day in the middle of a schedule, Taeyong thinks nothing about it but him being a responsible leader looking out for his members. Besides, Jung Jaehyun is the dongsaeng who stayed with him through nights of tears and self-blame and vowed to sing and dance with him no matter what. Watching Jung Jaehyun is just his job. He’s just taking care of his members. It’s his way of paying back the kindness that was given to him.

The studio’s packed. They’re shooting something – a promotion for a clothing line that Taeyong can barely recall. The room is bustling with the staff walking here and there tending to each member, fixing their makeups and hair and outfits. He hears an indistinct shout, someone asking some member to face this direction and raise his arm a bit to give off a carefree pose. When he scans the room and does a headcount, a habit he had developed, Taeyong realizes Jaehyun’s pictures are being taken.

He’s not even done yet. His hair is uncombed and his eyeliner unpolished, but he excuses himself from the waiting room and heads to where the photoshoot is happening. Taeyong stands to the side, out of Jaehyun’s vision with a few of the staff watching.

Jaehyun has always been _breathtaking._ While the younger changes the angle of his head, tilts it back with a slight crane of his neck, Taeyong is reminded of that one time they were watching a sappy rom-com in the dorm. It was a western movie so Taeyong didn’t really appreciate it much since the subtitles flashed too fast for his liking. Jaehyun is fluent in English, so whenever the two leads kiss and deliver lines that sounded so alien to Taeyong, the younger would flush and hide half of his face on a pillow, his ears going bright red from embarrassment. Taeyong thought it was cute. It really emphasized the youthfulness of the other. And as much as Jaehyun’s shy, he’s also shameless at times. Taeyong can still remember that comment he made when they filmed NCT Life in Seoul, and gave the editors the time of their lives attaching Careless Whisper in the background.

Right now, Jaehyun is anything but shy. He’s confident and charismatic, like a prince who walked out of the castle for the first time. He gives off that vibe – like a knight in shining armor, at least to Taeyong. That’s what he sees in Jaehyun ever since he started observing the vocalist. Taeyong knows he’s right at that. Everyone seems to think Jaehyun looks like a royalty, the prince that everyone falls in love at first sight. Taeyong will wholeheartedly agree with them in a heartbeat.

Not saying he’s one of those princesses falling head over heels for Jaehyun, though. Taeyong is just being observant and Jaehyun is someone that deserves appreciation. Taeyong is going to appreciate him as much as he wants. Yes, that’s right.

Taeyong nods in approval when the photographer rains praises on Jaehyun and runs back to the waiting room just as the younger turns his head to see where Taeyong had been watching. Smiling to himself, Jaehyun thanks the photographer for his hard work before racing back to one of the women waiting to help remove his makeup.

 

 

 

“What the hell, it was tiring!” Doyoung immediately whines as soon as they return to the dorm. Running past him are Mark and Donghyuck, racing to the bathroom to take a quick shower and arguing who gets to do it first. The noise only worsens their mood, and Taeyong doesn’t even call them out when the doors to their shared rooms bang close with the sounds echoing in the whole place, reminding him of how much rest they need before they wake up the next day. Filling their stomachs with warm food would do the trick, but even the leader admits that he can’t move any more considering that the photoshoot had been going on for almost a day.

His back hits the comfort of his bed, earphones plugged as classical music played from his phone. It’s an hour later when he finally got to shower, opting to do it last since he knows the others are desperate for the much needed sleep. Taeyong keeps his eyes close, waiting for sleep to take over his exhausted form before a gentle poke calls his attention. He turns to the side to see Johnny wide awake.

“Hey,” Johnny grins, withdrawing his hand and cocoons his whole 6 feet tall body under the blanket. “You did great today. I’m sure it’ll come out nice, especially yours.”

“Thank you, but everyone did their best today. I mean, did you see Jaehyun? He looked like he came out of those Disney movies. I say from Cinderella. Or Snow White. He’s a real life prince,” The smile on Taeyong’s face betrays his plan to keep it low-key. He wiggles under the blanket and puts his phone away after setting the alarm that he knows he will sleep through anyway. “I forgot to tell him he looked good.”

There’s a pregnant silence from Johnny after that, but before Taeyong could repeat what he said in case his roommate didn’t hear, the other beat him to it. And his tone was anything but innocent that Taeyong immediately curls up, feeling like he’s being misinterpreted.

“I know – I mean, everyone knows. Jaehyun’s an eye candy just like you, and since you got a sweet tooth, your eyes always drink him in whenever he’s around. Haven’t you noticed? It’s like,” Johnny pauses, searching his brain for an accurate word. “It’s like you two are magnets, always attracted to the presence of the other. Do you want to eat him up, Yong?” Johnny grins maliciously, making Taeyong’s skin warm.

Taeyong pouts. “That’s lame. I watched everyone today. Didn’t you see me there when you had your turn? And what’s with ‘ _do you want to eat him up’,_ that sounds so nasty.”

“You’re just a _prude_ , Taeyong.” The roommate rebuts in a mixture of Korean and English, making Taeyong frown.

“Don’t use big words on me; I’m still working on my English.”

“Okay, I can help you with that.” Johnny suggests with the teasing lilt in his tone.

Taeyong decides to ignore the other and faces the wall, pulling the blanket over his head. Johnny doesn’t say anything more and the sound of a switch resonates in their room, curtaining them with darkness.

He can’t fall asleep. It feels like it’s been an hour since they stopped chatting but Taeyong’s brain won’t switch off, feeding him Johnny’s words until they echo in the back of his head and Jaehyun is all he sees when he closes his eyes – so he keeps them open, staring blankly on the fabric of his blanket.

So what if he stares at Jaehyun? He stares at everybody else. He’s doing his job as a leader and watches them, observes them. Taeyong can even say he’s doing the duty of a parent in the house. Why did Johnny have to make it sound like Taeyong _favors_ Jaehyun? And even if Jaehyun looks sweet all the time, he’s not crazy enough to actually eat him up! God, Johnny is insufferable sometimes. It’s not like Jaehyun’s turning into a candy –

Unless Johnny meant something else. The less innocent meaning of the foreigner’s words grate Taeyong’s ears and refuse to leave his mind even as he stubbornly shakes his head. His cheeks warm up, and Taeyong curls into a ball.

_What a malicious insinuation!_

What’s wrong with staring at Jaehyun? He swears he only zones out and ends up unknowingly letting his eyes find the younger when he speaks because his voice is the most soothing ever, like the creamy and smooth flow of a coffee when it cascades down his throat. Taeyong likes warm and soothing things. He likes animals because they’re warm and fluffy and calms him – just like Jaehyun’s baritone voice.

Taeyong pushes the thought out of his head again, desperate to succumb into slumber. It was a foolish conversation with Johnny and he knew whether to take it seriously or not – he won’t.

 

The alarm rings at exactly 5AM. Taeyong jerks out of bed, about to wake his members when he reads their manager’s text: _filming for idol room cancelled. Free day._

Taeyong’s eyes bulge out of their sockets as he reads the message, quietly punching a fist into the air in victory before sharing the text to their group chat, feeling rather lazy to disturb his members’ sleep. He leaves his phone in bed and checks on his roommate, completely forgetting the conversation last night before wearing his mickey slippers and pads to the kitchen to take advantage of the early hours of the morning. It’s rare for him to come out of their room when they don’t have anything to do, choosing to just stay in bed all day and only show himself to the others when it’s time to cook. Today he’s in a good mood due to the very good news.

The dorm is eerily quiet, saved by the soft ticking of the clock hanging on the wall right above the television. Taeyong feels the switch on the wall and turns the light on in the kitchen before starting to make himself coffee. The sound of the electric kettle accompanies him as he stands groggily at the counter, rubbing his eyes. The yawn that comes out of him is rather embarrassing but there’s no one to hear it anyway aside from him so Taeyong allows him to let loose, scratching his head.

He doesn’t hear the deliberate footsteps entering the kitchen as he’s still hanging on the edge of sleep, having succumbed to it pretty late. So when the deep honey voice reaches him, Taeyong’s soul practically jumps out of his skin with a cute squeak of surprise slipping past his lips.

“What the…!” Taeyong exclaims as quiet as he can so as not to wake the others. He’s got a hand on his chest clutching the fabric of his pajama shirt as his heart drums inside his ribcage. Jaehyun snorts at the sight and openly rakes his eyes down Taeyong’s form, giggling at the sight of the older man’s buckling legs.

“Careful, hyung. You might piss your pants.” Jaehyun brushes past him to get something from the fridge. Taeyong straightens up and fixes himself, watching the younger move around as Jaehyun prepares himself sandwich.

“I didn’t hear you… Don’t scare me like that.” Taeyong softly complains while pinching the sides of his pajama pants, looking very adorable. “Why are you up so early?”

“I got hungry. We didn’t eat when we arrived last night, right?” Jaehyun starts wolfing down his food, cheeks puffing out. Taeyong stares at him; he looks so cute like a squirrel with his bloated cheeks. Taeyong likes Jaehyun’s chubby cheeks; it makes him look frustratingly cute.

He pretends his heart didn’t leap.

Taeyong fails to notice how long he’s been staring and that Jaehyun’s already staring back at him with amusement dancing in his eyes. Jaehyun thumbs the mayo smudge on the corner of his mouth and licks it off.

“You look beautiful in the morning, hyung.”

The older man snaps back to reality. “Huh?” Taeyong questions, looking utterly confused. Did Jaehyun just call him beautiful? For what? His mind instantly takes him back to last year when they had their fansign in Sinchon for Cherry Bomb era.

He had been excited back then when he realized that their seating arrangement followed the same arrangement they had for Firetruck fansign – at least his spot, though was the same. Taeyong recalled that the younger made a vague comment back then, saying something about how those that sat in the same place were beautiful. Taeyong was oblivious, interpreting it as Jaehyun complimenting the fans that had been waiting for them. It was only natural and expected, in his opinion. Most of the fans that managed to participate in the Cherry Bomb fansign were the ones they met from Firetruck fansign. So Taeyong felt extremely happy and pleased that Jaehyun was making an effort to let their fans know that they’re beautiful and appreciated.

Until Jaehyun had corrected his assumption and told him that it was _him,_ Lee Taeyong that Jung Jaehyun just called beautiful.

Taeyong stiffened for a second and laughed it off, successfully willing the heat on his face to go down because there were so many people around to witness it, and he didn’t really want to feel embarrassed. So Taeyong had reprimanded Jaehyun in jest, telling him to be careful with his words.

It’s one of the many weaknesses of Lee Taeyong – to be complimented for his appearance. He knows he looks good, and that so many people are attracted to his physical aesthetics but the word _beautiful_ carries a lot of weight that means a lot of things. Taeyong believes he’s anything but beautiful. Jaehyun deserves to be called beautiful more than him.

Back to the present, Jaehyun’s brow raises as Taeyong remains frozen in his spot. He started thinking that his hyung might be sick but he doesn’t look like it. Maybe he’s just tired and still feeling out of it.

“I said you look beautiful in the morning, hyung. Like Aurora who just woke up from her deep sleep. So, sleeping beauty.” Jaehyun grins, finishing his sandwich. He then gets off the stool and comes over to Taeyong’s place by the counter, pressing a hand gently on the leader’s forehead.

“You don’t look sick, but you feel a little hot.” His breath fans over Taeyong’s cheeks and the latter’s skin flushes brighter from his face down to his neck, past the collar of his pajama shirt.

Taeyong jumps back a little from the sudden touch and scurries back to his shared room with Johnny, forgetting to make his coffee. Jaehyun’s eyes darken and remain on where Taeyong had disappeared before looking at the empty mug on the counter.

Fists clenching on his sides, Jaehyun returns to his room with Donghyuck and lies there staring at the ceiling until the darkness retreats inch by inch and the sunlight sifts through the thin drapes of the window, welcoming them into another day.

 

 

 

They don’t mention what happened. Taeyong keeps to himself in their room, claiming to be either writing songs or reading webtoons instead of actually interacting with existing people. No one bothers him, though. They’re used to it. Taeyong knows that everyone knows when he needs time for himself. He can just do his job as a leader next time when they actually have something important to do, he muses.

Besides, he needs to take a break from watching Jaehyun. The last time he did, the younger had gotten too close, invading Taeyong’s personal space and igniting something that the leader would rather not dwell upon. He has a lot on his plate already. Taeyong doesn’t need unnecessary distractions that would only prevent him from being productive.

Because Taeyong is everything he’s praised for and that includes being responsible and hardworking.

Come to think of it, he hasn’t been observing the others as much as he had observed Jung Jaehyun. Taeyong frowns at the thought. He’s been neglecting the others. What if someone’s silently dealing with something and he doesn’t even know it? Making sure that no one’s hurting is not just his job as a leader but his duty as a friend.

Taeyong plugs his phone to the charger and finally escapes the confinements of the room that Johnny had left him in several hours ago to do god knows what and peers in the living room, finding the rest of the unit piled together as a movie plays on the TV. They don’t notice his presence as he makes way to the kitchen to fix himself a bowl of Cheetos before he settles on the floor next to Donghyuck. The youngest immediately has his hand dipped in the bowl to collect a handful of the snack, only to dump it on his lap, eating one by one.

_The Nun_ is currently playing, perfect for the month since it’s nearing Halloween. Taeyong quickly steals a glance over at Mark, squinting to see whether the other’s uneasy. Taeyong isn’t sure who suggested this movie but he remembers Mark rushing to the bedroom and losing sleep in lieu of praying after they streamed _The Conjuring_ before.  

Well, if Mark’s up for this then he supposes doesn’t need to worry.

Alright, Mark’s off his observation list. Now on to the next member: Yuta.

Yuta sits next to Winwin on the couch, pressed against the Chinese boy’s side. He looks engrossed with the horror movie, nothing really unusual. But Taeyong’s eyes follow the movement of the Japanese’s hand where it ends within Winwin’s hold. Taeyong pauses. The two had gotten very close over time. It’s good, anyway. That just means they have a stable, healthy friendship. Winwin is a little jumpy based on Taeyong’s observation. He’s probably a little scared by the horrifying, booming sound effects and it’s thanks to Yuta that he looks like he’s going to survive the night.

Taeyong then peers over to Taeil’s form. He’s looking too relaxed. The oldest isn’t very brave, but maybe he had already seen the movie? Maybe it’s Taeil who suggested all of them to watch it. That’s a possible conclusion. Taeyong feeds himself with some of the Cheetos and munches, a little irritated that the crunch is louder than the sound of the TV.

The leader decides to observe Haechan last since they’re sitting next to each other and it would be weird to stare at the youngest member’s side profile. That would be creepy. He’s not saying what he’s doing to others is creepy because it’s not – it’s simply observing. So Taeyong gets back to it.

Johnny is distracted. His eyes flicker between the movie and his phone, fingers rapidly pressing on the screen. He’s texting. Taeyong thinks it might be one of his family members in America. Johnny misses them terribly. Sometimes Taeyong wants to beg the manager to let him talk to the higher-ups to ask for a little vacation for their foreign members. Taeyong can easily chat with his sister and occasionally have a talk with his parents over the phone even if it’s lasting for merely five minutes. They don’t have the luxury to slack off; they’re always busy. They’ve been promoting for the whole year. He pities the others for not being able to enjoy that much interaction with their loved ones for the fact that there’s a whole world in between them. When it’s morning here, it’s night there.

Taeyong then observes Jungwoo. Jungwoo was added to their team. He seems comfortable squished between Taeil and Johnny as he makes a comment here and there, criticizing the movie as though he’s an expert. Taeyong smiles. He’s happy that Jungwoo had easily warmed up to the unit’s dynamics despite debuting late and being added to a subgroup that’s been promoting for a while. It’s not guaranteed that Jungwoo’s perfectly dealing with things, though. Taeyong should probably talk to him personally.

His neck is starting to feel strained from all the craning he’s doing. It’s odd how no one has noticed his ministrations yet, but that only pushes Taeyong to continue watching.

Jaehyun sits perfectly still with his legs bent and pressed to his chest. His arms are wrapped around his legs and his chin is propped on top of his knees. Taeyong can clearly see the movie reflecting on his eyes and suddenly the leader’s mesmerized yet again, staring at the smoothness of Jaehyun’s skin and the pretty curve of his lips.

Taeyong frowns. He had done the same to the others but why can’t he keep his eyes away from Jaehyun once he puts his attention on the latter? He vaguely recalls the conversation with Johnny before and Taeyong instantly blushes.

_He doesn’t want to eat Jaehyun!_

“That’s inhumane.” Taeyong mumbles. He doesn’t notice that his bowl’s now empty, thanks to the youngest’s sneaky hand. He curtly glances at Haechan to check if the other’s already taken notice of his impromptu observation. Haechan is busy watching _and_ eating _his_ Cheetos.

Taeyong’s heart lodges up in his throat and beats rapidly, loudly to the point that it throbs in his ears and threatens to claw out of his chest when he looks back at Jaehyun with a reason that he’s not done with his evaluation yet – and the other’s looking back at him. He forces himself to stay where he is, butt glued to the floor and hands gripping the bowl as he fights against the strong stare. Jaehyun probably felt the heaviness of Taeyong’s eyes on him. Taeyong knows the other’s just as observant so he won’t question if Jaehyun actually tells him he felt their leader’s judging looks.

Taeyong is not judging, though. Not Jaehyun, at least. It’s more like he’s judging himself for staring at Jaehyun and not being able to tear his eyes away from the other. Taeyong has many weaknesses and one of those is to look away from something that catches his attention. Something that is extremely attractive.

He wonders if Jaehyun’s one of those.

They don’t sever the connection of their eyes. Taeyong holds it as much as he can with his heart now drumming even louder that the beating blocks the sounds from the TV. His breathing turns shallow as blood rushes to his face, burning his skin. Taeyong wants to know what’s going on in Jaehyun’s head as they keep up with his sudden staring contest. He wonders if Jaehyun shares the same thoughts but what kind of thoughts those are, Taeyong is uncertain. He hopes it’s not along the lines of _Taeyong hyung looks beautiful under the harsh fluorescent light._ Taeyong won’t be able to handle it.

He almost glares to tell Jaehyun to back down when Doyoung’s face comes into view, startling Taeyong with its close proximity to his. Doyoung is practically breathing down his face.

“What are you on?”

The vocalist asks blatantly, effectively stealing the spotlight as everyone’s attention now lingers over the two of them. Taeyong quickly shakes his head while rummaging for answers until he realizes he has none to give and quickly gets up, dumps the bowl in the sink and literally runs to his shared room with Johnny, closing the door with a bang.

Haechan jerks up, startled.

“What was that?”

“I don’t know. But he’s been watching all of us since the second he came out of his room.” Haechan responds, finishing the remnants of the junk food on his fingers. “What did Doyoung hyung do?”

Doyoung shrugs, hands raised in defense. “Nothing. I asked him why he was having a staring contest with Jaehyun.”

The man that was mentioned has his head bowed, preventing them to see his face. Johnny pats Jaehyun’s shoulder sympathetically and exits the living room, following Taeyong. Yuta tells them to continue watching with a disgruntled tone, complaining about getting distracted and missing a few scenes.

The door closes with a soft click. Taeyong glances through his fringe to see Johnny sit on his own bed facing him with a serious expression on his face.

Taeyong flinches. He may be the leader but Johnny can easily take control over him. Taeyong believes that if there’s anyone who’s a better observer than him, it’s Johnny. Johnny sees through all the walls he relentlessly puts up to protect himself. The memory of a few nights that he ended up snuggled in Johnny’s embrace, sobbing and wilting flashes through his mind.

“You can tell me anything,” Johnny starts, pressing. He knows he can’t convince Taeyong to spill it right away, given the other’s history. Taeyong had been distant once, he can be distant once again.

“I’m gonna listen no matter what it is.”

“You know what it is.” Taeyong responds softly, trying his best not to let Johnny hear him. He wants to shrink and disappear just to avoid this conversation but he knows he can’t run away from it.

Because Lee Taeyong is everything that he’s called, and that includes him being a ‘ _coward_ ’.

Johnny doesn’t react to it right away. Taeyong keeps his gaze down low, scared of what he might see, scared of what Johnny might see.

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it. But just so you know,” The taller gets up from his bed and sits next to Taeyong, the warmth radiating off of him instantly calming down the leader’s nerves. “There’s nothing to be scared of. You won’t know what’s in store for you if you keep avoiding it.”

Taeyong looks at him with trembling lips, hands gripping the hem of his shirt. “You don’t even know what it is I’m scared of.” His voice cracks at the end and Taeyong is so frustrated, so mad at himself for feeling so damn vulnerable again. He can almost hear the crack on the walls surrounding him and the rough fall of debris as they begin to crumble little by little. He had built them so well but he’s been careless, hasn’t he? All because he can’t control himself.

“I may not know what it is,” Johnny doesn’t take his eyes away from Taeyong, not even for a second. “But if it’s making you feel this way, and looking like you’re drifting away, I thought I should let you know we’re here – we’re you’re second home and whenever you run away, just remember you have a family to come back to. I’m not letting you get hurt again, Yong. You’ve been through so much.”

Taeyong’s eyes water and he melts before he could even think of stopping it, dropping his defenses as he allows Johnny’s arms to wrap around his tinier body. The other’s shirt gets soaked by his tears but Taeyong continues to cry. He’s so tired of pretending he’s strong, so tired of masking his fears and putting up a front for the public. Feelings are so complex and he refuses to deal with them – and he won’t deal with them. They say prevention is better than cure, so he’s going to forget it before it even turns tragic beyond redemption.

 

 

 

Mark, Jaehyun, Taeyong, Doyoung and Haechan are seated at a table for the Halloween ASMR broadcast. There are Halloween decorations around with a string of cut-out paper bats, ghosts, cobwebs, evil pumpkin, spiders and etcetera hanging above their heads. They were given each a pumpkin basket filled with snacks to open later, to do what they’re there for – do a snack ASMR.

Taeyong had arrived as a bat, wearing a mask shaped like the wings of a bat. Next to him, Jaehyun is dressed as a vampire complete with the stereotypical costume. Doyoung is dressed as the devil while the two youngest were only in casual clothes.

“Look,” Taeyong puts his mask on and giggles. “I’m dressed as bat so I could be next to Jaehyun!”

Soft giggles ensue after Taeyong says that. He doesn’t even know if it came out as cute like he wanted it to be, but he knows the fans will like it. Next to him, Jaehyun has a small smile on his face.

_Bat… to be able to be with the vampire? Cringe._ Taeyong muses.

The pumpkin baskets were soon distributed and Jaehyun is the first one to open his. A chorus of _ooohs_ fills the room as he peeks in, pulling out two rubber fingers and pretending to eat it. It was a dry joke and they had to move on quickly so as not to ruin the atmosphere with Jaehyun uncapping the toy which turns out to be a small bottle of bubbles. He blows once, twice before sealing it again and pulls out snacks, satisfied of the contents of the basket.

Taeyong just looks at the food being pulled out of the pumpkin. He had learned to divert his eyes when he feels the _urge_ to stare at a certain someone. He mentally curses himself when it happens – it’s like his eyes had a mind of its own, always wanting to lay themselves on that person.

Jaehyun takes out a ring and wears it on his ring finger.

“Oh he got married!” Taeyong exclaims, looking at the ring.

Jaehyun looks closely, eyes wide. “Is this supposed to be a bat?”

Taeyong’s lips purse in confusion. “What?” He then presses his fist next to Jaehyun’s. “With me? Is it a bat?”

Hearing that, Jaehyun nods and quickly gives the bat ring a kiss. “It’s a bat.”

The action takes Taeyong off guard, knocking the wind out of his lungs. But he schools his features so perfectly that none of them sees through the curve of his smile and the twinkling of his eyes that there’s actually an ongoing turmoil inside of him. It burns and burns until he feels his throat get parched but there’s no chance to cut the broadcast and quench his thirst, and eventually kill the ignited fire in his chest.

Jaehyun most likely did not mean deeply of it. Taeyong concludes, though it sounds more like he’s convincing himself. Moreover, his other thought is highly impossible to happen.

The snacks look inviting and tasty enough to distract Taeyong so he watches Jaehyun’s hand hold them instead until the younger pulls out a kit-kat. His eyes _sparkle._

“I like Kit-Kat,” Taeyong announces next to Jaehyun, gaze glued on the treat.

“You like it?” Jaehyun immediately gives the older man his kit-kat without a second thought and Taeyong’s heart swells because he didn’t even need to break a sweat for the chocolates to fall into his hands. He _loves_ chocolates; he’s _obsessed_ with sweets.

Bless Jaehyun for being nice.

“Thank you…” Taeyong says, quickly tearing the wrapper. The chocolate melts on his tongue the moment he bites a chunk of it and his heart does a few somersaults. Taeyong is happy. Maybe he should give Jaehyun something too since he knows the other loves eating.

Alright, Taeyong shall do that.

***

“Thank you for your hard work!”

The staff quickly tells them to pack up as soon as the broadcast is over. Taeyong politely asks one of them if he could take home his pumpkin basket and happily skips over to the others who are already on their way out, swinging his pumpkin.

They reach the van and Taeyong lets his members get inside first before climbing in last, closing the door next to him with a cheeky grin. “They let me bring it!” Taeyong shakes the basket in the air and the remaining snacks rattle inside. He’s giggling when he pulls out a marshmallow, quickly biting it.

“Jaehyunz already spoiled you with chocolate and you’re still eating?” Mark teases, wiggling his brows. “Taeyong hyung is getting spoiled too much. Remember back in L.A.? Jaehyun hyung also gave his drink to Taeyong hyung. Jaehyunz, aren’t I your other half?” The Canadian boy laughs, tugging on Jaehyun’s arm. “Give me some food too!”

“Hey hey, you fool,” Donghyuck swats Mark’s hand mischievously. “It’s because you’re not cute enough. Plus they’re partners, bat and vampire; you know how it works, right?” Mark only chuckles and jokingly pulls at Donghyuck’s hair, forcing a shriek from the other.

“That’s right,” Jaehyun agrees, quickly glancing at their leader who’s busy chewing his marshmallow. “Taeyong hyung is too cute to resist unlike all of you. Dracula will do anything for his loyal bat boy.”

Taeyong splutters and immediately ducks his head, hiding his face using the pumpkin basket. “What- be careful with your words, Jaehyun! You never learn!” He’s burning and Taeyong is so embarrassed that he questions the heavens why he can’t fucking teleport now and go to Alaska where no one knows him so that he could miserably he’ll freeze to the bones.

_Freaking Jung Jaehyun knows nothing about filter._ Doesn’t he have an ounce of idea what his words and his voice and his attention do to someone with a fragile heart like Lee Taeyong?

Moreover, doesn’t he know the gravity of the words he oh so carelessly said? What will the others think? If anyone else had heard those words from Jaehyun they would be quick to jump into conclusions and spread rumors to bring them down. Taeyong is painfully aware of how sensitive their culture is to things like _this._ Doesn’t Jaehyun care about his reputation?

Taeyong ignores the laughter ringing inside the vehicle and faces the window, angrily eating his snacks. Maybe he shouldn’t give Jaehyun anything if this is the case. He knows he’s being petulant right now but it just feels so unfair when he’s the one suffering from these feelings he never asked but he can’t even talk about it.

The world is truly cruel. And it hates Lee Taeyong.

 

 

 

It’s the day of their company’s annual Halloween party. The room is bustling as makeup artists fret over the whooping members of NCT, trying to make them look as much like the characters they’re going to be for the night.

One of them volunteers to film for the sake of the fans, just a little gift for everyone to be excited over for later. Taeyong is done getting ready, coming to the party as Card captor Sakura’s Syaoran. Honestly, he didn’t know who to be and worried over it for days until a fan casually told him that he looks like the anime character. He’s probably going to be anything the fans ask him to be – even if it’s to be a rice ball mascot.

Taeyong scans the room and its current catastrophic state. It’s not like he can do much about it – the kids, even the adults are exhilarated. He watches Renjun try to climb on Lucas’ back, snatching his hammer. _Lucas should’ve just used our lightstick._ At the corner, Yuta gushes over Winwin and his mask, thumping his wooden stick against the floor as he tries to be in character as the witch in Snow White. The rest of them are still preparing, so Taeyong walks over to where Jungwoo is currently putting on his makeup with the help of one their makeup artists.

“You look pretty!” Taeyong compliments with a sweet smile on his face, jumping a little on his heels. He stares at Jungwoo’s reflection on the mirror and wonders if the other could easily pass as a girl if no one knew who he was. He’s too pretty, features turned softer after the redness was applied on his cheeks and lips, and his lashes were curled. His long hair cascades down his back elegantly, just like the length of his dress as the hem reaches his ankles.

Taeyong pinches the sides of his shorts and swallows the sad whimper threatening to slip out of his mouth. He had wanted to partner up with Jaehyun, thinking about it ever since the beginning of the year but his problems arose and Taeyong can’t even hold a decent conversation with his supposed favorite dongsaeng. It’s honestly miserable how it came to this; how he let his feelings affect him this much. He wasn’t supposed to be anxious over something that shouldn’t even be there in the first place. He doesn’t know about Jaehyun, but he hopes the younger doesn’t notice how Taeyong flinches whenever he’s around, when he stutters and appears to be zoning out when Jaehyun looks at him for longer than he’s comfortable with.

He doesn’t even realize how _jealous_ he is at the moment. How would he, when he doesn’t even realize why he’s feeling all of these in the first place? He knows there’s so much more in his heart for Jaehyun than being just friends, but Taeyong still can’t quite point out what it is. Though whatever it is, he knows it’s not right. It won’t be accepted. Because if it was normal, then he wouldn’t be lying in bed every night wishing he never had a heart.

“Thank you, hyung. Rose needs to be pretty for her Jack!” Jungwoo laughs and waves someone over, and it’s a tad too late for Taeyong to scram when Jaehyun arrives with that attractive smile on his face, coyly greeting Jungwoo.

Taeyong feels sick. His hands tremble and his lips press firmly into a deep frown, and before anyone could notice, he’s already out of everyone’s hawk eyes, locking the door of the bathroom behind him and pressing his back against its cold surface, eyes shut tight as he slides down the floor with a string of curses slipping past his lips silently in an attempt to berate himself for all the bitterness in his heart that weren’t supposed to there in the first place.

His chest hurts – it hurts so fucking much. It feels as though it was a fireplace and his heart feeds on smoldered wood, coughing out dusts before inhaling oxygen to fan the flame into a devouring wildfire. A pathetic whimper escapes out of its cage, resonating around the emptiness of the bathroom and reminding Taeyong how wrong everything is – from thinking that Jaehyun’s smile is only reserved to him until the part where the tips of his fingers twitch, longing to hold another hand in his.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Taeyong wasn’t supposed to feel anything remotely close to this. Jaehyun isn’t his and Jaehyun is allowed to smile at anyone he wants to smile at. Jaehyun is his own person as much as Taeyong is his own.

He gets up with a little shudder and dusts off his bottom, checking whether it has gotten damp from sitting on the bathroom floor. Taeyong sighs in relief seeing it clean before facing the mirror and meeting the eyes of his reflection, the deepest, darkest gaze that a lot of people admire for looking so fierce and unyielding.

“Get it together,” Taeyong hisses, washing his hands under the faucet before quickly drying it with some tissue. He doesn’t miss the chance to stare back into his own gaze before pulling up the corners of his mouth into a forced smile, eyes crescent but dull. “You’re strong. Don’t let such foolish things distract you.”

He’s back into the waiting room before someone could notice the absence of his presence. Jungwoo’s done with his makeup, now chatting with Taeil and Jaehyun’s on his phone on the couch. Taeyong takes a deep breath before coming over and taking the free spot next to Jaehyun, sporting a genuine smile this time.

“Jaehyunie,” Taeyong calls and the other instantly gives all of his attention to the leader, phone haphazardly dropped to the side. Jaehyun has an expecting look on his face that tickles Taeyong on the inside. “I have something for you.”

There’s a small packet of mallows in Taeyong’s hand when he pulls it out of his pocket. He pushes it straight to Jaehyun’s hand and pinches the taller man’s cheek, chuckling when Jaehyun playfully whines before rubbing the pinched skin.

“What is this for, hyung?”

Taeyong shrugs. “You gave me your Kit-kat so I thought I’d give you something in return. It’s from my stash and you know how untouchable my stash is.” A grin breaks out of his face and Taeyong disappears from Jaehyun’s side before the latter could react, now attaching himself to Mark’s side to hopefully get to kiss the younger on the cheek again – which Mark successfully dodges with a cry.

Jaehyun wanted to ask him why he looked like he was about to cry earlier, but maybe he shouldn’t, seeing how quick Taeyong fled from his side. And if Taeyong doesn’t want to talk, then Jaehyun won’t prod.

Because all of their leader’s choices are valid, as well as being private.

So when the time comes they have finally filmed the dance practice for their latest comeback Simon Says, Jaehyun doesn’t even question why Taeyong seems to be on a mission to compliment him for his dancing and facial expressions. The leader carefully praises each and everyone, but Jaehyun didn’t fail to notice how Taeyong is going miles and miles just to let the whole group know that Jaehyun’s dancing has vastly improved and how he stole the spotlight with the perfect execution of the choreography. Jaehyun isn’t going to point it out – he knows how shy Taeyong gets when someone tells him about the habits he unknowingly does. It’s one of Taeyong’s habits to let Jaehyun know he’s done a good job, but not like this – the leader’s rambling for forever.

“Look,” Taeyong pauses the video and taps his finger on the screen of his phone. Everyone is huddled together around him as though they couldn’t just watch the video on their own phones. “The way Jaehyunie snapped to this direction, did everyone see that? It’s so sharp but so smooth! It looks like Jaehyunie’s our choreographer.” Pride drips all over Taeyong’s words, unaware that it blooms in the heart of the receiver of his praises.

“Ah, don’t be like that, hyung.” Jaehyun covers his face with both hands in embarrassment, a habit that he picked up from childhood. “You did better than me.”

“Nonsense!” Taeyong dismisses him with a dramatic wave of a hand, humoring the others. “All you need to say is ‘ _I worked hard’_.” After locking his phone, Taeyong pokes his head out of the huddle, brown hair and wide twinkling eyes looking like an excited puppy’s. “Everyone worked hard! I’m proud!”

Jaehyun’s ears turn into a bright shade of red as the rest of the group pile themselves over him, teasing. Taeyong stays where he is; thin arms wrapped around his folded legs as his head props itself on top of his knees. He’s been doing well diverting his unexplained emotions into compliments thrown on his members, but he needs to work better on not making it obvious how he tends to focus on one particular person.

When he looks at Jaehyun again, Taeyong thinks maybe it’s alright to do that sometimes because Jaehyun deserves it. He can forget how the world might think later because what’s more important is seeing _him_ happy.

 

 

 

It’s ironic how Taeyong is filled with limitless confidence and energy onstage but when he’s off of it, when the camera’s focused on someone else and he doesn’t need to perform, he’s quick to change back to the bashful person that he truly is. He had once worried himself so much about it, but later realized it’s easily one of his charms that the fans adored about him.

Back in the trainee days he gave off quite an intimidating aura, mostly because he didn’t know how to approach someone and initiate a conversation and possibly make friends. He does things in his own way, though – like the time a new trainee joined and he had an extra towel with him so he gave it away when he noticed how tired and sweaty the trainee was. It probably didn’t do much since they never ended up being closer than that.

As a naturally easy-going person, Johnny had helped him grow past that phase. Johnny had helped him through a lot, actually. Taeyong learned not to be too shy or else it’ll be hard for him to showcase his talents. People will think he’s distant. It paid off. Taeyong can act cute whenever he wants now, though Haechan will still pretend to punch the air in cringe just to poke fun at him. Taeyong can just ignore the negative thoughts swimming in his head when he’s out there dancing and rapping and singing and doing what he loves most in lieu of pleasing his fans.

He’s dubbed the charismatic leader, a heartbreaker and god’s best work of art that steals fans’ breaths with a single gaze, but it’s ironic how he’s left spluttering when Jung Jaehyun gives him even just a small portion of attention.

Taeyong won’t forget that interview where they were asked to compliment the person next to them. Jaehyun was merciless with him, telling him he’s a good rapper and a good dancer, rendering Taeyong in a crumbling mess in front of the camera. Jaehyun had claimed even before that it was too easy to make him crumble and that he had done it even in the past, so Taeyong felt even more embarrassed.

He should probably have a pep talk with Johnny again.

They’re playing Mafia. Taeyong is feeling giddy since it’s one of his favorite games to play with the team. It’s thrilling and loud, especially when it’s time to point fingers at someone who’s possibly the killer.

Taeyong steals a glance at Jaehyun. Whenever they played, he never once got to stay alive and win because Jaehyun always kills him first, accusing him of being a Mafia. Taeyong doesn’t really know why Jaehyun does it, but it’s sometimes frustrating. The younger man is probably doing it for fun just to see Taeyong whine from loss.

This time he’s going to reverse it.

“Hey, hey guys, quiet.” Taeyong giggles, pulling up the sleeves of his red sweater. Jaehyun sits calmly from the other side of the table, suspiciously quiet. Normally he would be one of the members howling in excitement accusing others of being the Mafia.

Staring at Jaehyun, Taeyong thinks it’s a perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone – they’ll sweep it under the rug as him just taking the game seriously. While it’s correct, he staring at Jaehyun also means another thing. It’s been a while since he allowed himself this much, been a while since he began loathing the bubbling sensations in his chest.

Jaehyun accidentally meets his eyes and Taeyong opens his mouth. “Jaehyunie-“

The younger visibly stiffens, his calm visage shattering in panic as he points a finger at Taeyong. “Hyung…”

Taeyong’s eyes widen and the next thing he knows he’s yelling, calling Jaehyun the mafia. He didn’t expect to be accomplishing two things simultaneously by openly looking at Jaehyun. Finally he got to accuse the other and not the other way around, and at the same time he managed to make Jaehyun feel flustered, the younger’s front crumbling. It’s a first time for Taeyong so he’s overjoyed, ignoring the funny looks thrown at him.

_Red looks good on him_ , Taeyong muses while Jaehyun desperately tries to convince them that he isn’t. Taeyong doesn’t even care if he’s wrong and that he’s going to regret it later but seeing the redness coloring Jaehyun’s ears, he feels absolutely satisfied. Jaehyun has been unknowingly doing things to Taeyong that melts the latter, and to do it to Jaehyun instead feels like he’s won the Olympics.

_Hah!_ Taeyong mentally gloats and sits properly while everyone else talks. They should play Mafia again so he can watch Jaehyun stammer because of him. Ah, how great of a feeling it is! He’s going to prove it that Jaehyun isn’t _that_ powerful and Taeyong can make him blush too. Soon. Taeyong can’t wait for the next opportunity.

 

 

 

The next opportunity comes in the form of a trip to Thailand. They’re booked to perform for the Maya International Music Festival. Taeyong bounces on his heels to shake off the jitter backstage because no matter how much he’s been exposed onstage he still feels nervous, his brain tricking him into believing that something wrong will happen and he’s going to mess up the performance. He feels a comforting pat on his shoulder and Ten’s face comes into view when he follows the line of his arm.

“It’ll be fine, hyung. We’ll perform well, right?” Taeyong doesn’t have the heart to say he’s uncertain so he opts to hold Ten’s hand instead, unaware of a pair of eyes glued to their entwined hands.

Soon they’re up next for _Baby Don’t Stop,_ a personal favorite of the Thai fans for some reasons being Ten’s overwhelming presence and the song having its Thai version as a gift.

Taeyong’s mind had stopped giving him anxiety the second the familiar drumming beat booms out of the giant speakers, his persona changing like a flash of lightning. When the chorus comes the crowd grows louder as his hips gyrate and head lolls back sensually, eyes close as the music flows through his body like blood, natural and automatic. His brown hair is matted with sweat as strands stick to his forehead and nape, while his shirt clings to him like second skin, giving the audience a tempting view. Taeyong makes sure to give his all since they don’t get to perform like this in front of their foreign fans, wanting them to know that all of their money spent was worth it.

The whole performance was a blur when it reaches the end from how quick it was, and the duo exits the center of the stage for the next performance.

 

 

 

The whole group heads back to the hotel right after the festival. They’re scheduled to go back to Korea the next day for more work awaiting them. Taeyong is still feeling the buzz in his veins when he settles back in his bed, in his shared room with Doyoung. The other just entered the bathroom for his nightly shower, complaining about feeling hot and sweaty.

He’s in the middle of scanning something in his notebook when he hears a series of soft knocks on the door. Jaehyun stands outside when Taeyong opens it, grinning like a fool before welcoming himself inside.

“Hi, hyung. Where’s Doy?” Jaehyun’s neck cranes to the side, looking at the direction of the bathroom. Taeyong tells him that the other’s washing up before he climbs back to his bed where the open notebook lies immobile. Jaehyun scoots next to him, back pressed against the headboard.

“What’s that?”

The close proximity makes Taeyong dizzy. He can smell the cologne Jaehyun’s wearing, invading his mind and clouding it with thoughts he’d rather forget. Taeyong schools his features expertly and clears his throat, tapping the end of his pen on the page where a few paragraphs had been written.

“Writing songs.”

Jaehyun hums in understanding. “Yuta and Winwin are in our room so it’s noisy. I thought I’d visit you.” His lower lips finds itself squeeze between his teeth before it’s released, glistening with spit. “Anyway, hyung. I watched your performance with Ten hyung earlier. It was….great.”

There’s the vibrant red on his cheeks when he said that. Taeyong’s brow rises in inquisition. It looks like Jaehyun wants to say more.

“You looked great, hyung.”

Taeyong expects his heart to jump in his throat and throb wildly in there, but it doesn’t. Instead it remains calm as he watches the color on Jaehyun’s face deepen as the younger’s embarrassment heightens.

_Ah, he’s flustered. Well, everyone who saw felt the same way, I guess._ Taeyong shrugs it off, not wanting to look too much into it. Jaehyun probably just wants to extend his praises personally. And it being personal makes him shy.

Understandable. Normal. Nothing much to dwell on.

His sock-covered feet rub on the sheets as he compulsively clicks his pen, its sounds annoyingly grating in his ears. It’s a little awkward – Jaehyun is casually reading his lyrics. The lyrics talk about the confusing feelings that he didn’t tell Johnny when he broke down that day. To say that it’s nerve-wracking is an understatement.

Jaehyun finishes mumbling the words written on the notebook before giving both of them a fair distance in between as he leans back with a calculative look. Taeyong isn’t saying something, just blankly staring at the space in front of him as he repeatedly clicks his pen. It’s worrisome how he’s been zoning out frequently, but what really bothers Jaehyun is the fact that Taeyong isn’t staring at him anymore as he zones out, but somewhere else, anywhere that isn’t Jaehyun. The last he did was during that game but he knows Taeyong was just doing it for the sake of playing, for the sake of outing Jaehyun.

He had read Taeyong’s lyrics in the past before they were officially put in the albums. His hyung used to write down his deep thoughts, mainly about the sufferings he couldn’t express with everyone, while the others are a mixture of hopes and dreams and downright shameless.

Right now, he just read something so sad, so melancholic. It isn’t like Taeyong to be _hopeless,_ so Jaehyun wonders what it is that his leader is bothered with. Jaehyun knows that Taeyong is always inspired by things, concepts and reality when he comes up with a song. So what is breaking Taeyong to the point that he thinks he can’t get out of it anymore? Or rather…

Who’s breaking Taeyong?

“Hm,” Jaehyun untangles the notebook from the other’s grasp and closes it, putting the pen away as well. Taeyong seems to have broken out of his trance and gives Jaehyun a gentle look, which goes straight to the younger’s heart, making it beat a second faster. “I want to ask you who’s making you feel this way for you to write that, hyung. But I understand that it’s personal. Would you record it someday?”

“Uh,” Taeyong is at loss for words. Jaehyun waits patiently because he doesn’t want to force Taeyong – if Johnny failed to talk to him that day, then it only means that Taeyong isn’t ready to spill whatever it is. Maybe until now, even.

“Just… just sometimes, I feel things that I know I shouldn’t feel.”

“Do you wanna tell me what those are?”

Taeyong keeps his gaze down and Jaehyun really, really wants to pinch the other’s chin and make him look back, just to let Taeyong know that it’s okay, he’s not going to judge and he will stay by the other’s side no matter what. Because that’s what Jaehyun had vowed to do before they debuted, and had reminded it once when he told Taeyong they’re fated together until death. It’s the truth. Jaehyun thinks they’re meant to be together, no matter the circumstance.

His heart aches. Jaehyun hopes Taeyong still remembers it because surely, he’s still holding on to it and hoping that the deeper meaning of it reaches his hyung.

The sound of the water running stops for a few seconds. Jaehyun glances at the bathroom door and releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding when the shower turns back on.

“You know… you know how we feel things that we can’t explain? But I know I don’t have the right, and it’s wrong to feel that way. I wish I could get rid of it, but it’s unfair that sometimes… sometimes it makes me feel happy that I’m able to feel such emotion. It makes me feel human. But I know it’s forbidden. Am I flawed, Jaehyun?” Taeyong finally looks up at him with such vulnerability that Jaehyun immediately holds the other’s hand, squeezing it in assurance. “Am I disgusting?”

“No,” Jaehyun almost roars. How can Taeyong think of himself that way? Taeyong is the most beautiful person that Jaehyun had ever seen. He may not be perfect, but he’s _everything_ in Jaehyun’s eyes. And even if he wasn’t what everyone thought he was, how could Jaehyun see him differently? Taeyong is all that he asks for. Taeyong is what he wants to see first thing in the morning, what he wants to see before he closes his eyes to sleep. Taeyong outshines the sun with every little thing he does. How could someone make Taeyong feel this way?

Jaehyun’s eyes harden. He ignores the way his heart clenches at the thought of someone hurting what’s most precious to him.

“No, you’re not disgusting, hyung. Please don’t think of yourself like that.” Jaehyun brings the hand on his chest and he hopes his heart isn’t beating too fast because he’s scared of what Taeyong might think, might discover... “Everyone loves you, hyung.”

_Especially me._

“Whatever you’re feeling, it’s valid. We’re simply humans, hyung. I know that you’re the kindest person ever. You’re just overthinking. Don’t worry,” Jaehyun gets off the bed and scurries away to press his ear against the bathroom door, nodding when he hears Doyoung singing before rushing back to Taeyong, pulling the latter to stand. “I won’t leave your side; I’ll make sure you don’t get sad anymore.”

Taeyong takes Jaehyun’s hand and stands with him in the middle of the room, lost as to what the younger is doing. “What…”

“Don’t think too much.” Jaehyun pulls out his phone and plays _Is There Somewhere_ , before leaving the phone in bed as he reclaims his place in front of Taeyong and wordlessly puts the older’s hands on his shoulders while his own hands hold Taeyong’s waist loosely.

Taeyong blushes furiously from the intimacy of their position, attempting to pull away but Jaehyun doesn’t let him.

“You know, hyung,” Jaehyun says but his voice is too soft, almost like a whisper with his breath fanning over Taeyong’s cheeks. “When you love someone, you do everything in your power to keep them next to you.”

Jaehyun leads the slow dance although they know nothing of it, of where their feet should step, when they should make a turn. Taeyong follows him anyway, like a gentle breeze of the wind and the calm flow of the river. Jaehyun told him not to think too much, so he won’t.

“We saw each other growing into who we are now, hyung. We made promises, right? You’re my pillar as much as I am yours. So when you’re feeling sad and weak and hopeless, please look for me. I’ll be strong enough for the both of us.”

Taeyong’s eyes water, but he holds the tears back by resting his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder. Jaehyun looks so gentle, so soft and so ethereal, and he can’t believe that all of these are directed to him – even just for tonight.

“I get scared too, like what if I wake up one day and all of this is just a dream? The group, all of our memories together, what if they’re solely made up by my mind and I wake up in bed back in my hometown, and I never met all of you?” Jaehyun sounds so broken that it hurts, and he hopes he’s not adding up to the pain already residing in Taeyong’s heart. “But as days go by, they remind me that everything is real and here I am, holding you. We’re partners for life, right, hyung? Fated ‘til death?”

Jaehyun smiles hopefully, pulling Taeyong closer. Taeyong’s scent invades his senses and he has half a mind to do _things,_ but he doesn’t want to scare the other. Besides, no one else knows why he’s so hell-bent in being close to Taeyong like this, though he wagers Johnny had already seen through the disappointed sighs whenever Taeyong doesn’t look his way.

Taeyong doesn’t say anything, but Jaehyun’s satisfied just having him close. “I don’t ever want us to disband. I don’t ever want us to go our own ways and I know it’s selfish, but I only want to spend a little more time with everyone. I hope we get more hours, hyung. Can we pretend this won’t end?”

Jaehyun pulls away and smiles. Taeyong dazedly glances out the window where they overlook the city lights and the younger admires what’s in front of him as their leader catch the stars with his eyes.

For tonight, he’ll let Taeyong think he’s only afraid of their team breaking up. For tonight, Jaehyun is going to pretend in front of Taeyong that he’s not thinking of huge, black eyes and thin pink lips and the strong urge to cover them with his own.

Because Jung Jaehyun’s heart is filled with adoration, and most of it is for _him._

“Am I missing something?”

Doyoung’s voice startles them both and Jaehyun is so shocked, having completely forgotten the other’s existence that he stumbles forward and falls on his knees, face pressed on Taeyong’s lower belly.

“Um.”

Jaehyun jerks back like he’s been burned and quickly dashes out of the room, leaving Taeyong with wide eyes and tingly body.

“It’s not what you think…” Taeyong explains futilely before diving face down his bed, muffling his scream over a pillow.

He doesn’t hear Doyoung snickering behind. 

 

 

 

He won’t admit it, but after that night Taeyong definitely feels lighter. It feels like the world’s burden has been lifted off of his shoulder. Jaehyun, no matter what happens, will stay by his side. The hostility over his emotions seemed to have evaporated into thin air. He should’ve just talked to Jaehyun in the first place if he knew that the other won’t ever look at him differently – he still won’t tell Jaehyun that he’s been feeling this way because of the other, but for now it’s enough that Jaehyun understands the gist of it.

Taeyong, Jaehyun and Jungwoo are seated in a van for a broadcast. They’re tasked to find out the code that will unlock the glass case housing two Ryan toys. There are books in front of them and their own Empathy album.

Jaehyun, who’s sitting in the middle of the two opens an envelope and reads the instruction. The trio hoots in excitement before they receive the first clue, quickly using it to decode the lock. Taeyong volunteers unlocking but fails, sadly sitting back.

“Oh no…”

Next to him, Jaehyun and Jungwoo continue to think of more hints. Taeyong feels lighthearted; he doesn’t feel that certain ugly emotion anymore even if Jungwoo’s pressed to Jaehyun’s side because he knows that they’re all friends, and what he has with Jaehyun is incomparable. Again, Jaehyun isn’t his property to claim but Taeyong’s complacent that the other won’t replace their kind of friendship. They’ve been reaching their dreams together for a longer time, and Taeyong will hold on to Jaehyun’s words. They’re fated until the end.

Taeyong straightens, mumbling while he checks the books in front of him. One book catches his attention and flips the pages, suddenly exclaiming in excitement as he finds another clue. He quickly opens it and pouts cutely as he reads, “What’s the word for me?”

It’s vague so Taeyong puts the clue away. For a while they continue trying to look for more clues, panicking inside since the time’s ticking. They only have barely 8 minutes to unlock the case.

With nothing much to do Taeyong picks up the card again and mumbles, clueless as to what word it entails.

“The word for me is…”

With a ghost of a smile Jaehyun looks inside the glass box and playfully responds to Taeyong.

“I want you.”

And then all of a sudden, like an unprecedented first snowfall, the reality washes over him like enormous tidal waves, filling his lungs to drown him in the sea of emotions that he used to not understand but harbored ever since.

Taeyong is _in love_ with Jaehyun, unconditionally and ineffably. The realization dawns on him unexpectedly, received with no trace of revulsion. He has always been in love with him, taken and in too deep.

_So that’s what I feel for you,_ Taeyong thinks. He hides the sudden overflow of love with his silly antics, wearing a funny pair of glasses calling himself ‘detective Lee puppy’. He laughs and wills away the mixture of fear and relief.

Fear because he knows this kind of love is lambasted, negatively criticized by the people who do not understand what it feels like. Relief because he finally understands why his eyes would always find Jaehyun, why his hand would mindlessly slip in Jaehyun’s pocket, and how it feels like to want someone so much that you will do anything for them to remain by your side, even if it hurts. He feels quite stupid for keeping it all bottled up, but glad at the same time. Because the content of the bottle fizzed up and burst into a waterfall of emotions like no other.

A radiant smile graces his face before he continues with the broadcast, utterly inspired.

 

 

 

They’re all wearing white suits for KPMA. Taeyong briefly reminds them to pose their best. He’s a little excited; he finally cut off his mullet and dyed his hair back to red just like in the beginning of the year. It’s brushed to the side to allow his forehead to breathe. He kind of wished they also brought back the slit on his forehead to reminisce the look.

Camera flashes blind him for a few seconds but his face looks perfect as it has always been, unfazed and attractive. A journalist shouts, calls for his name and Taeyong spots him, giving him a handsome smile that would make countless of articles before they even leave the red carpet.

Oh how time flies. It feels like yesterday when the dance teacher almost gave up on him and now, he’s being begged to satisfy these journalists with a simple curve of his mouth.

As he glances next to him, Taeyong’s eyes find home to Jaehyun’s side profile. The other looks like a prince and Taeyong would easily believe it if someone from the royal family claims to share Jaehyun’s blood. His heart thrums, melodious and familiar.

Taeyong’s mind takes him to a quick tour back. Each flash of the cameras in his periphery reminds him of the days filled with doubts and harsh judgments and mistakes. They remind him of the world he lives in, its resentment and inability to let people enjoy the flitting days with someone they’re _destined_ to be with.

But today he’s going to appreciate what’s around him. He can worry about the world later.

As Taeyong faces the photographers he fails to see a certain someone look back at him with the same weight of his stare, appreciating the world like he does.

Because they’re both everything this world is – dreamy, flawed, nostalgic, hopeful……and truly, madly, deeply in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Comments are welcome ^^


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